Goodbye; You Were a Good Friend

Dearest March,

You will be missed as much as the ever passing month of July. Now at our hands is the death of deaths--a spectacular event everyone will miss. And it will be better than the finale of Grey's Anatomy. July is soon to die as August is soon to be born--but as all things, nothing will last forever.

-Zoloft

A Woman's Word on Crimes

Submitted by Prudence Katherine Bettenfeld, Women's World Correspondent, NJ

I'm glad petite treason is still punishable by death in many places, but many places isn't good enough for me. When a woman kills her husband for any reason, she's not only committing a heinous crime, but also an act of treason upon her husband and upon her country. 

Our husbands are our sovereign masters; they pay to raise our children, they work so that we don't have to, and above all, they provide everything for us to be at home in the clean comfort of our kitchens. It's appalling the number of women who now choose to work outside the house. These women have either entered a terrible marriage with husbands who can't provide for them or they are driven by greed (a sin of the devil). 

Here, in the United States of America, we women are able to choose our futures for ourselves--we are able to vote and able to do as we please within reason--so I say choose the right! We women are obligated to stand up for our rights and choose what is best for us and best for our husbands. Only a strong deterrent--making petite treason punishable by death--that will outweigh the weak will of women will be able to squall any temptations many have had. We need to stand up, hand in hand, and amend the Constitution of the United States of America to include the one measure that will best protect our husbands.

Sincerely,

Prudence Bettenfeld

Women's World Newsbreak: Food Linked to Cause of Death?

Researchers Puzzled by Apparent Link Between Food Consumption and Death

Harvard researchers stumble upon 100% correlation between eating food and dying

Rueters, Sunday July 13th, 2008

NEW YORK- In an astonishing finding today, a small team of Harvard researchers encountered what may prove to have been the real cause of death for all ancient and modern civilians. Mark Brady and his team of analysts have found what they have named the "ultimate killer": food. The studies show that one hundred percent of people around the world who have consumed any food or food product have died. Though many in the world succumb to worldwide epidemics and disease, food is currently said to be the number one cause of "natural death", but is said to now be linked to every death in the world. Researchers have confirmed the finding which has risen to the top of the charts as the number one killer in the world overnight.

"We're really excited to have stumbled upon something so ground-breaking. It's been such a pleasure working with men as smart as these, and I think are going to be making some great strides in the near future." Brady said.

One of Brady's associates, Mark Smirth, wasn't as upbeat about the findings. He reminds the world that they have only found the cause, but have yet to find a solution to this overwhelming killer.

"The most troubling part," Smirth said, "was once we expanded our research, we found the same correlation exists between people who drink water. It seems there is either something in the nature or water or food that finally compromises our bodies and leads to the 100% fatality rate."

Brady and Smirth are confident that with the help of research teams around the world, a cure can be produced and survival rates are expected to soar right back to where they were one year ago. Brady and his team have studied groups of rats, but they say, so far, that starvation has not been found to be a useful cure.

Tomato-Tomahto, Potato-Potahto

Ever since my immigration to the United States of Amerika, I have found there is a large problem. My pronunciation. I am a former German diplomat once employed by the Third Reich until they ran into some financial troubles in the 1940's and let me go. Jobless, I had come to Amerika to begin a new life. I am fluent in 43 1/2 languages ranging from my homeland's Duetsch to the lesser known African and Middle Eastern languages. Still I cannot figure out the basic pronunciations in English. I have turned to a group that calls themselves the "Feminist Community", vich I believe is an underground facist group (this, of course, makes me feel very at home). One of the members told me about vomen's vorld and it became knownst to me that I could share my problems here and find answers to my plights. My problem is simple, but most aggravating. I am vell versed with the saying "Tomato, tomahto. Potato, potahto.", but I have no idea what to do with a strange vord I have come across vile reading a book I recieved for Wienachtsabend (Kristmas I believe it's called here). Avacado. I believe this word was the reason for the fall of my beloved Third Reich for it is certain to become the downfall for my troubled soul. Avacado? Avacahdo? Aahvuhcahdoe? I just can't master this vonderous vord.

Franko Delano Roosewelt

A Bout of Feminism

Being a feminist is not all it's cracked up to be, you know. I've spent countless years trying to make public the plight of women and curb injustice. All these blokes have oppressed women, making jokes of our knickers, trying to attack us on the streets or in the loo when they're pissed. Men have treated us as sexual objects for centuries and women have become the objects of sexual conquest. I vowed I shant ever allow myself to succumb to the frightful world of male-domination. All these years I've tried to help women keep the same mindset. My book, The Feminine Mystique, is a bible for women confidence and is the only book which will really help women fight the male machine. However, I've found recently that I have run into a somewhat extraordinary conundrum--after watching  the second episode of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, I realised sexism really is funny. It's a bloody life's-worth of work wasted.

And I'm not even British.

--Betty Friedan